


Biscuits

by SarcasticSmiler



Series: Procrastinating One Shots [4]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, M/M, i guess, there aren't actually any biscuits involved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-30
Updated: 2015-10-30
Packaged: 2018-04-28 20:54:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5105420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SarcasticSmiler/pseuds/SarcasticSmiler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just a bit of silliness comparing the company to biscuits.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Biscuits

**Author's Note:**

> I feel the need to explain this. It all started with an idea which led to [this post](http://sarcasticsmilerrandomness.tumblr.com/post/132172500157/do-you-think-nori-dunks-biscuits-in-his-tea-just), which some how led to [this post](http://sarcasticsmilerrandomness.tumblr.com/post/132175738512/oh-gods-im-now-comparing-everyone-to-biscuits), which led to this. To be fair I'm not entirely sure what's going on, I'm kind of tired to the point where everything is going fuzzy round the edges so this may make sense but then again it might not. Enjoy the ridiculousness.

When Dwalin answered the door at two o’clock in the morning he did not expect to find his boyfriend completely wankered and leaning against the doorbell. He also didn’t expect to have said boyfriend promptly, and loudly, proclaim him to be a hobnob.

“I’m…what?” he asked, his barely awake brain struggling to catch up.

“A hobnob,” Nori stated, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Right…no, still not getting it. Get in before you wake the neighbours.”

Ushering Nori into the livingroom, Dwalin shoved the swaying drunk onto the sofa before going to fetch a glass of water.

“Here, drink, then explain,” he yawned, handing the cold glass over before flopping down next to Nori.

“Well, me and Bofur got to talking,” Nori started, ignoring Dwalin’s groan, “and we were wondering, if we were biscuits, what would we be?”

“And I’m a hobnob?”

“Obviously. It’s the fighter of the biscuity world, nothing can take it down, not even a hot cuppa. But you’re not just any old hobnob.”

“No?”

“Nope, you’re a chocolate hobnob, all tough, but still totally sweet.”

“You’re a sap.”

“Maybe,” Nori grinned, tilting rather drunkenly over till he could press a quick kiss to Dwalin’s smiling lips.

“So what’s everyone else?”

“Well I’m a ginger nut.”

“I never would’ve guessed,” Dwalin deadpanned, flicking Nori’s russet braid.

“Not because of the hair, you soggy hobnob. It’s because I have a bit of a kick to me. Y’know when you dunk a ginger nut you get that kinda spicy tingle on the tongue then when you take a gulp of tea it hits you? Well that’s me, I get you when you least expect it,” the grin Nori sent his way was oddly triumphant.

“Alright, what about Bofur?”

“Party ring.”

“Party ring? Those brightly coloured things they serve at kids parties?”

“Yep. They’re silly but they make you smile and you always have to go back for more. Like Bofur, it’s always one more story or one more drink.”

“Did you figure out anyone else?” Dwalin asked as Nori snuggled against him, sipping almost daintily at his water.

“Oh we figured out everyone.”

“Everyone?”

“Yep. Bombur is shortbread, y’know like you look at it thinking it’s not going to be up to the job but then it turns out to be surprisingly durable and also rather sweet. Bifur, now he’s a fruit shortcake. They’re nice but a bit weird. The whole raisins with sugar thrown on top is a bit strange, kinda like Bifur after his accident.”

“If you call Bifur a fruit shortcake to his face you may just earn yourself a smack round the ear.”

“I’m not stupid y’know, but it could be a good code for when he’s having a bad day. We could say he’s having a shortcake moment.”

“No, Nori, just no.”

“Spoilsport. Anywho, Ori is those little chocolate covered biscuits shaped like animals that Cadbury makes. They’re small, sweet, and completely adorable.”

“Didn’t Ori smack you with his notebook last time you called him adorable?”

“Hush, not important. And he was adorable, with his glasses all crooked and pencil smudged on his cheek.”

“So what’s Dori then?”

“A rich tea. The fussy biscuit that thinks it’s too good to be dunked and falls to pieces if you do.”

“Dori doesn’t fall to pieces if you get him wet,” Dwalin pointed out, finger combing Nori’s hair as he unravelled the long plait.

“He fluffs up like a cat that just got sprayed with a hose. He is a fussy, trying to be posh biscuit. Dori is rich tea.”

“So if your older brother is a fussy biscuit, what’s mine?”

“A digestive. Sturdy, no nonsense, dependable. Balin is a digestive. But he’s a McVities’ digestive, he’s still classy after all, not one of those own brand imposters.”

Dwalin couldn’t help but snort a laugh at that.

“Now Thorin wasn’t easy, but we settled on bourbon for him as he has that dark, hard exterior but once you go a bit deeper you realise he had a sweet, squishy centre.”

“And the lads?”

“Well golden boy, Fíli, always wearing his heart on his sleeve is obviously a jammy dodger.”

“Obviously.”

“And Kíli is dark and soft with a heart of gold so he’s a jaffer cake.”

“Y’know a lot of people say a jaffer cake isn’t a biscuit.”

“Well they’re clearly wrong. You find them in the biscuit section of the shop so it’s a biscuit.”

“Okay. What about Oin and Gloin then?”

“Ah, they were the hardest to figure out but eventually we decided that Gloin is a pink wafer and Oin is a malted milk.”

“Um, how?”

“Well Gloin gets all puffed up and kinda soft like a pink wafer over his family. But he’s also kinda dangerous too, like a wafer. Do you know how many times I’ve almost choked on a pink wafer?”

“Are you saying Gloin’s a choking hazard?”

“Ew, no, he can just be dangerous, like a choking hazard.”

“Right. And malted milk Oin?”

“Well malted milks seem like they should be good for you, with the whole milk thing and with the picture of the cows, but they can be a bit rough sometimes. I've scratched my throat a few times eating them, so they’re a bit like when Oin is giving a check-up, he’s a bit rough even though as a doctor he should be good for you.”

“That kind of makes sense, I suppose,” Dwalin agreed, just about keeping up with Nori’s drunken logic, “What about Bilbo?”

“Oh he’s not a biscuit at all.”

“No?”

“Nope, he’s more of a cake, like a Victoria sponge.”

“I’m not even going to ask.”

“What? He’s soft and squidgy and he can be both proper and improper. Like with the cake, you can either be proper and eat it with a cake fork or improper and eat it with your fingers, either way works.”

“So everyone’s a biscuit, except Bilbo, who happens to be a cake?”

“Yep. Do you want to know another reason that makes you a chocolate hobnob?” Nori asked as he shifted to his knees, moving to straddle Dwalin’s lap.

“Why?” Dwalin asked, large hands coming to rest on Nori’s slim hips to help steady his drunken swaying.

“Because chocolate hobnobs are my kryptonite, I could happily nibble on them for the rest of my life,” Nori answered, leaning into nibble on Dwalin’s lower lip before drawing him into a kiss.

“You are such a sap,” Dwalin huffed a laugh once they’d parted to regain their breath.

“Something unexpected?” Nori grinned with a slightly uncoordinated eyebrow waggle.

“Get your drunken ginger nut arse to bed and I’ll let you nibble on my hobnob for as long as you please.”

“Maybe I’ll find something to dunk it in,” Nori teased with a filthy wink before clambering off of Dwalin’s lap and tugging him to bed.

**Author's Note:**

> It was seriously hard finding something for Oin and Gloin. If anyone has any better ideas I'd be happy to hear them.


End file.
